Love drunk

I haven't been to my room, since you wrote the message. I've slept in my parents' and best friend's bed. I can't be alone. When I'm alone, I break down. And I don't feel like shedding one more tear. That's also the reason why I've been to school every day. I need people around me. Of course that's a good thing, if it makes me go to school. But I don't really listen, when the teachers speak. And whenever they stop, you dig yourself back into my thoughts.

The fact that you just don't see this the way I do, is what hurts me the most. The fact that you feel you need me, just to fill up the hole inside of you. It makes me want to break down and cry. Give up on everything. I actually thought I meant something real to you, but now you've made it completely clear that you were only with me, so that you'd feel loved and "safe". Not because I actually meant something real to you. I never wanted you to use me like that. I wanted our love to be pure and healthy for the both of us. It kills me that you never felt that way. That you only held on to me, for that long, so that I could fill that empty place in your heart. I'll never get over you. I'll never find anyone that can replace you. I'm gonna try as hard as I can, but all that lies ahead of me, is the search for something like we had. That connection. And I'll never, ever find it. You've killed every hope I've ever had of finding a love that's gonna last.

Part of me wishes that you'd never come into my life. You made me believe in love, that someone could actually understand me enough, that it was okay to let my guards down. And look where that got me. With a broken heart, afraid to ever be alone. You've made me a love addict.

I'm not gonna be sorry for this kind of hate I have inside of me. I know I'm the reason for our breakup, >my< mistake. But what I've realized, is that you've been looking for a way out, long before that. You've felt like I was a burden, some tumour on the side of your heart, just waiting to kill you.

I hate you for giving up. I hate you for not loving me deeply enough, to see that I could be healthy for you, to see that we actually could've turned things around. I don't know what to do with myself, there're too many feelings inside of me, and I want to scream at you. I dreamt that you were at the same party as me, and all I did was break down and cry.. You walked around talking and flirting with all the other girls.. Then you came over to me, and asked if I wanted to talk about it. And I tried to hit you, but you hugged me. When I woke up, I felt so empty inside.

This last week I've been having these extremely intense pains in my stomach. I'm hoping it's cancer, so you'll hate yourself for leaving me. Hæ.

My love for you was never selfish. I didn't use you to fill up a hole inside of me, I loved you because you understood me, made me feel alive, and because it just felt right. The world was a better place, when you were close to me.

You're lucky to have those people in your life, to tell you that I'm not healthy for you. I can't help but hate them. You say that you don't think clearly, when I'm close to you, that you feel like throwing it all away and falling back into your old patterns. If I'd ever known that I had that effect on you, we'd never have lasted this long. How could I ever've thought you actually loved me, for the right reasons? How foolish of me.

Tomorrow is gonna be a tough day. I'm gonna have to force myself to have fun, and try to put my thoughts of you on the shelf. If I could, I would write all of this down on paper, and burn it. Sadly, that wouldn't make it go away.

You never loved >me<. You just needed to feel loved and appreciated. Liar.