Nightmares of death

I går nat havde jeg et mareridt. Min afdøde hund Lucky var ikke død, han var "alive and well". Der skete dog det, at jeg pludselig fik den forestilling, at inden nogen man elskede døde, ville en dame i blåt vise sig for én, som et tegn på at de ville dø kort efter. Det viste sig så at være sandt, og kort efter skete det så for mig, og Lucky døde. Jeg var ude af mig selv af rædsel, og var utroligt bange for denne blå-klædte dame. Hun sagde intet, hun kom bare gående - nærmest svævende - ind af hoveddøren og nærmede sig mig. Mine forældre kunne intet gøre for at stoppe hende. Det var skæbnen, at hun skulle vise sig for mig. Jeg fandt senere ud af, at hun kun viste sig for folk, som skulle til at miste nogen, de ikke følte de var klar til at miste, eller ikke kunne retfærdiggøre deres død, af forskellige årsager. Derfor begyndte jeg at prøve at retfærdiggøre alle personer i mit livs død, hvis de nu skulle dø, for at undgå endnu et møde med damen.

Det var skræmmende, siger jeg jer. Tænk hvis det virkelig var sådan livet foregik. At en skikkelse ville dukke op, som et tegn på, at man om få minutter ville miste nogen, man elskede højt.

Earthlings - En dokumentar om menneskers behandling af dyr.

Nu hvor jeg så sjældent blogger, tænkte jeg, at jeg ville finde noget, som rent faktisk var meningsfuldt nok til at dele med jer. Jeg har lige brugt den sidste halvanden times tid på at græde over denne fantastiske dokumentar, kaldet "Earthlings."

earth-ling     n.     One who inhabits the earth.

Det er en amerikansk dokumentar, fra 2005, skrevet af Shaun Monson og fortalt af Jaquin Phoenix. Den giver verden et indblik i masseproduktionen af dyr, til menneskets egen fordel, til mad, tøj, underholdning og sport. Klippene er voldelige, men desværre fuldstændig ægte og sande. Jeg opfordrer alle til at se denne film, uden at have nogle fordomme inden. Man kan trods alt ikke argumentere mod sandheden. 

Via den officielle hjemmeside kan man både læse om filmen, se traileren, og se hele filmen.

"We are all animals of this planet. We are all creatures. And non-human animals experience sensations just like we do. They, too, are strong, intelligent, industrious, mobile and evolutional, they too are capable of growth and adaptation. Like us, first and foremost, they are earthlings. And like us, they are surviving. Like us, they also seek their own comfort rather than discomfort. Like us, they express degrees of emotion. In short, like us, they are alive; most of them being, in fact, vertebrae, just like us.

As we look back on how essential animals are to human survival, our absolute dependance on them for companionship, food, clothing, sport and entertainment, as well as medical and scientific research, ironically we only see mankind's complete disrespect for these non-human providers. Without a doubt, this must be what it is; to bite the hand that feeds us. In fact, we have actually stomped and spit on it."

Se den. I beg you.

Inaktivitet

Jeg blogger ikke meget for tiden. Det er mest fordi, jeg ikke vil kede jer med mine depressive tanker. Jeg vil så nødigt se min blog ende som endnu en depressiv teenagers blog. Det fortjener den ikke, og jeg er allerede godt igang. Derfor bliver det nok ikke til mange indlæg fra mig, fremover. Jeg bruger mere min Tumblr. Den virker bedre til mine mørkere tanker. Jeg undskylder min inaktivitet, men kan roligt love, at det er for jeres eget bedste, at jeg ikke blogger oftere. Jeg håber, I har det godt allesammen. Fremmede og bekendte, venner og familie. Nyd sommeren, find glæde i de små ting, og del jeres glæde med dem I elsker. You deserve it!

Thoughts of the night

Noget jeg ikke forstår, er hvorfor kærlighed plejede at være nok for mig, til at glemme mine problemer og depressive tanker. Når jeg tænker tilbage, var jeg gladere, førhen, i tidligere forhold. Om det var fordi, jeg havde begravet mine problemer, og de endnu ikke havde eksploderet i mit ansigt, ved jeg ikke. Men jeg forstår ikke, hvorfor kærlighed ikke længere er "nok" for mig, for at føle glæde, igen. Den bedste forklaring jeg kan finde, er at jeg ikke længere vil bruge kærlighed som min virkelighedsflugt. At jeg ikke længere kan begrave mine problemer, og leve i en illusion. Min indre realist er blevet stærkere, med tiden. Og det er egentlig ikke en dårlig ting, når jeg tænker over det. For mig, er det en positiv ting. For det betyder bare, at hvad vi to har, er mere ægte, fordi jeg ikke bruger det som en virkelighedsflugt. At det så betyder, at mine nedture til tider kan få det det til at virke som om, du ikke er nok for mig, er jeg virkelig ked af. Jeg håber aldrig, du føler, du ikke er nok for mig, blot fordi, du ikke altid kan trøste mig. Det er problemet ved depression. Nogen gange kan selv den mest betydningsfulde person ikke få smerten til at gå væk. Men du formår at gøre mig glad, når min depression ikke er for stærk til, at mit virkelige jeg kan skinne igennem. Og det betyder meget for mig. You do make me happy. Never doubt that.

What divides, yet defines me

I know I told you that a part of me can't accept your love for me, because I truly don't believe that anyone can love me. Part of me refuses to accept your love. Still, that doesn't mean I don't believe in us. I do. But that's the hardest part. Believing in something so much, but in some way wishing I didn't, because it makes it impossible for me to slip away and escape this world. It splits me in two pieces, believing in us. But the one part, the part that wants to try and fight this, to stay here, to be with you.. That's the part I wouldn't trade for anything.

Kender I det...

... Når man ikke har mentalt overskud til at blogge, selvom ordene er der? Well, sådan har jeg det for tiden, så istedet vil jeg blogge musik. Marilyn Manson er awesome, og sangen er selvfølgelig ikke ny, men stadig ligeså god, som dengang den udkom. Han bliver altid dømt på sit udseende, og folk tror, han er sindssyg. Men efter at have set en del interviews med ham, og andre ting, er jeg kommet frem til, at jeg godt kan lide ham. Han er rent faktisk intelligent, and that's more than enough to earn my respect!

But I'm not a slave to a god
that doesn't exist
But I'm not a slave to a world
that doesn't give a shit

Highs and lows

Life is built up by highs and lows. Some people are lucky enough to go through life, experiencing only the small lows, while the highs just keep coming. Sadly, not everyone is that lucky. There are people in the world, experiencing all kinds of great sadness. Some people are starving, have lost their parents, their home, the most basic things, that a lot of us take for granted. These are the people we like to remind ourselves about, when we're feeling bad about not having enough money to buy a new car, or that beautiful dress we've wanted for so long. The thing is, there are also a lot of other kinds of lows, that don't get the same attention. A lot of other ways to hurt, that most people don't take as serious. One of them is depression. People with a depression are going through a whole different kind of struggle, fighting to stay in control of their life and their mind. Depression is a disease that should be taken more seriously, and I don't understand why it isn't. Depression can break a person, turn their whole world against them. Make them feel so useless and hopeless that even getting out of bed seems impossible. Depression has nothing to do with weakness. It's not something people choose to have, not something they'd put upon themselves to get other people to feel bad for them. It's not a choice. Just like hunger isn't a choice. And because most of the world doesn't take depression seriously, people with depression tend to do the same. This can be dangerous. I started out like this, not taking my depression seriously. What it ended up causing, was a lot of self harm. Because other people didn't see it as anything serious, I just thought of myself as weak and a coward, not being able to go through one single day without my constant lows. I started beating myself up over every single thing I did wrong. Now that I've started taking it seriously, I see how much harm it's done to me, back when I didn't. I'm not writing this to make people feel bad for me. I'm writing this as a reminder to anyone out there going through the same or similar thing as me. Never underestimate the power a depression can have. Even when other people tell you it's not serious, take it serious. If you don't, you'll never get through it. If you don't start taking yourself serious, it's not possible to fight it. Depression is a disease. Treat is as one.

/End of ramble.

Currently dwelling to;

I'm a mountain that has been moved
I'm a river that is all dried up
I'm an ocean nothing floats on
I'm a sky that nothing wants to fly in
I'm a sun that doesn't burn hot
I'm a moon that never shows its face
I'm a mouth that doesn't smile
I'm a word that no one ever wants to say.

Oh, I love you, Brand New.