It's a good life, after all

At the beginning of our breakup, I felt like Alice, without the cardboard cutout of you and all the pills, that is. you were sort of the only thing I could think about, and even when I was alseep, you haunted my dreams. Sadly, you still do. That just shows what a huge impact you had on me, and I guess that's not a bad thing, in the end. It just shows me I wasn't lying, when I told you I loved you. Now I'm in a different state. Can't really explain which one it is, but I feel like I'm slowly learning to let go and let myself be happier again. Actually, also healthier. I don't feel the same need to be close to anyone, anymore. And I'm constantly working on myself, my therapist has already made me see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I'll be forever grateful for that. I'm happy to feel some kind of progress, at last.

I've made a few new friends, the last couple of weeks, which is awesome. My class is awesome*, too. They had a party, last weekend, and everyone got pretty drunk and danced around to great music. I'm so thankful for the fact that they love partying and drinking, as much as me and best friend does. Amazing people can definitely get my mood up, especially best friend, Joy and Sabine are having a great impact on my life, at the time. They make it worth living. Also extremely happy about the fact that I'm going to get drunk and party with Lili, Janne and Tobias, this weekend, and hopefully we're going to CC's birthday party, this saturday. Should be a great weekend!
* I've gotta stop using the word "awesome" this much! I'm killing it. :'D

I've sort of buried myself in music, the last couple of days. I fell in love with Circa Survive, once again, and also found the awesome band Neon Trees, the ones I mentioned in my last blog post. They're great! Also, Co&ca's newest album, Year of the Black Rainbow has been played a lot by me, lately. I particularly love "Far"!

(Not the greatest version, just thought I'd share it with you anyway! My speakers are loving the bass in this song.)

I feel an addiction coming on!

Just found this band, randomly looking through Grooveshark's popular songs, and no wonder they're popular! I'm already loving their new album, and also, the band has a female drummer. *High six* for that! The first song has been stuck in my brain all day. The songs are pretty different from each other, which I love, 'cause it just shows that they're versatile.
Listen and enjoy!

"The walls that you
Helped me take down
Are only getting taller now,
And I've even forgotten how
To stand on my two feet.

I wanna say 'I'm on my own'
And happier to be alone,
But everything I do alone
Has every bit of you."

Phew! That hit quite close to the heart.

I live for the weekends ♥

Me and best friend went to a party last night at one of our classmate's house. The night was great, and I don't think I could wish for a better class, than the one we have. Everyone's just sweet and awesome, and most important of all, they love partying and drinking, just like we do! Woo. x)

Me and Nicklas bonded a lot over music, he likes Anberlin too, and I've been a fan of them for years. So we decided to sing a duet to A Day Late. It probably sounded amazing! Haha. Everyone got extremely drunk, and after the clock had passed midnight, we sang a birthday song for Ida, she turned 19 today. All in all, a successful night, in the company of sweet people. Hopefully tonight's gonna be at least as awesome, I'm going to CC with best friend and Sabine, first time since my accident, which happened at CC. Should be interesting! Cheers, peeps. 

I'm going to push back, with every word and every breath

You know, the only thing I can do, is move on and allow myself to heal. I can't keep holding onto something or someone who doesn't see me like they used to, especially when you no longer want me in your life. I hope that makes sense to you, too.

Yes, I was weak, and I hurt you. I spent a lot of time hating myself for it, but I can't keep doing that. You told me yourself that you wished the best for me, and that you hoped that I'd keep working on myself. Well, that's what I'm doing now. I can't change anything, I made a mistake, and I'm sorry my weakness and lack of love for myself ended up hurting you. I never meant for that to happen. I never wanted you to end up hating me, if that's what you do. That doesn't make me feel any less horrible. But I'm gonna learn something from this, that way at least some good'll come out of all the awful.

You used to be the one who gave me the love that I didn't have for myself, and made me feel meaningful. Now that you're no longer here to fill that hole inside of me, I have to learn how to love myself. You gave me some of the strength to start working on myself, and I'll always be grateful for that. I never want to feel like our relationship was a waste of time, because it wasn't, not to me. You made me happier than I've ever been, I loved calling you mine, because you always were something unique and special, to me. That'll never change. I could never hate you, not after everything you gave me.

I think my therapist helped me realize a few things, today. Not anything that I didn't already know, deep down, but she helped me remember it. Helped me get some clarity. I think this'll be worth the money and energy.

I'll keep singing my heart out

I'm ecstatic! Best friend (who, btw. has a blog, too!) just reminded me of this awesome band, haven't listened to them for about.. A year, I think! Just checked out their new album, and I'm in love. Sadly, they're not that famous, so my favourite songs aren't on YouTube. Except for this one!

I've got a big heart in my jacket, I'm told
But I'm like a time bomb, and it's getting old
Well, this is not what I wanted this time
So run fast, but you'll never reach that line
And I will pretend that I am fine, but let's not.

Side note: What keeps me going, is knowing that you're out there somewhere, hopefully coping better with this than me. Even though you'll never be mine again, I still want you to be happy. More than anything, I wish I could be the reason for your happiness, but if that's not how it's supposed to end, I wish you all the best. Maybe someday our roads will cross again.
If I'm ever that lucky.

Too many words. No one to give them to.

It's really pathetic how I keep getting stuck in the past, without knowing how to move on. I can't believe how helpless you make me feel. This week has been a big step back for me. I think it's because I haven't been to school, or hung out with anyone. This stupid injury couldn't have come at a worse time. I need to get out. But at the same time, I don't feel like seeing anyone. I feel like sleeping the day away, which is what I've tried doing, but it's not working. If anything, it's making it worse.

I met my therapist yesterday. The whole thing was just.. weird. Mostly because I kept thinking "wow.. this stranger isn't gonna understand me half as much as she does. Or did." I'm still going back on wednesday, though. I don't know what else to do.

There are too many memories to let go of, you're still too big a part of me. Every time I see something, any little thing that reminds me of you, my stomach turns upside down and I feel the tears coming. I can't do this anymore. I don't know how to get better. I don't know how to show everyone that I'm okay, that I don't need anyone but myself. 'Cause I do. Before all of this happened, when I still felt hope, I believed that I could get better, because I had you as my support, because you were always there to help me see clearly. Now I feel like I'm all alone, and I know that's selfish, because my friends are always there for me. But I can't forget the fact that you always understood me, even when I didn't understand myself. You could always put words to my feelings. All I want to do is write you, call you. But I can't stand any more letdowns.

"Along the way, I've learned that you can't let anyone in too far, and you can't trust endlessly. The biggest mistake you can make is to care or love someone more than yourself, because then you're just setting yourself up for disappointment. Boundaries are necessary so that you can protect yourself, because once you're broken, you'll never be fully fixed."
- This used to be my motto. It still is, only I ended up making that one mistake.

"I can't unlove you." - But I sure wish I could.

"I remember when we stole the night"

How could I ever forget about this song? Shame on me. I can't remember how long I've been a fan of TA-AR, but it sure is a long time. Saw them live at Give it a Name in London, in 2007. Good times. ^^

Yesterday just took me hostage
Yesterday locked me away from any truth
And now tomorrow's here without you

One breath, one glance slipped away
Missed call, missed glance
I can't stay,
Too late, she's gone
I will miss her voice, her eyes,
and love's first kiss.

All the pain held in your
Hands are shaking cold
Your hands were mine to hold.

On a rainy monday

I really wish that I
Could forget the way you are

But you left this feeling here inside me
The battle in my mind still fights me

I can see that you're not beside me
But I still feel you shine inside of me.

*sigh*

Just keep swimming!

Dory has an awesome view on life. ♥
I'm not really the best swimmer, but I sure am gonna keep going,
no matter how much crap life decides to throw at me and the people in my life.

I've had it.

Verden er et forfærdeligt sted. Ja, det synes jeg efterhånden. Hvis jeg konstant skal pisses på, skal presses til det yderste, så har jeg fandme heller ikke tænkt mig, at gå rundt som en lallet idiot, med en falsk smil på læben. Jeg er træt af min facade, jeg er træt af, at have to ansigter.

Det er utroligt så travlt folk har med andres liv. Nej, jeg har ikke fået en ny kæreste, Jeg er ikke så desperat efter kærlighed, at jeg har brug for en rebound. Og så egoistisk og udnyttende er jeg heller ikke. Jeg ved ikke hvor vi står, men lige nu har jeg også en masse andet, at bruge min energi på. Besides, Hvorfor skulle jeg starte et nyt forhold, når en del af mig stadig vil tilbage i mit gamle? Christ, people.

I går gennemlevede jeg den hårdeste dag i mit liv. Blod, ambulancer, nåle, at faste (ingen smøger, væske eller mad i 12 timer), ált for mange nåle, lokalbedøvelse, kvalme, smerte og meget andet. Lægerne syntes det var utroligt spøjst, at jeg kunne være så bange for at have et drop i armen, når jeg både havde piercing og tatovering. x) Det værste var nok, at jeg fik lyst til at ringe til dig, da jeg lå alene på hospitalsværelset. Of all people. Jeg havde forventet lidt mere af mig selv. Why would I want to call someone who's not interested in even knowing me, anymore?

For at ugen ikke skal være endnu mere "fantastisk", skal jeg på torsdag ind og have tegnet min tatovering op. I morgen var det planlagt, at jeg skulle i terapi, men min terapeut skal til begravelse. Så jeg håber meget på en ny tid, på fredag. Hvis jeg kommer levende igennem denne uge, fortjener jeg et highfive.

Bloody saturday.

Lidt for vild bytur, i går. Jeg kan hermed konstatere, at jeg aldrig sætter en fod på CC's scene, ever again. Jeg faldt ned fra scenen og slog mit underliv, hvorefter best friend måtte ringe efter en ambulance, derefter skulle jeg fragtes ud fra CC, ind i ambulancen, med udrykning hen til Rigshospitalet, imens mig og Trine erklærede vores kærlighed til hinanden og tudede en masse. Tak for alting, best friend. Du reddede pretty much mit liv.

Jeg elsker, at alle tror jeg bare fik en lille skramme, når jeg i virkeligheden blev indlagt med drop and everything, og blødte for vildt. Lokalbedøvelse er forresten en bitch! Never again.

Shake it off

Cut it off
Grab the scissors and use force
Leave the lump down on the floor
There's no need to carry
All this weight around
You're old enough to know
When enough is enough

Shake it off, just like a dog
Find the animal inside you
And forget the things
The things you used to love
It doesn't help you
To remember things you've lost.

Weekends are what I live for

Me and best friend decided to join a few people from our class last night, for drinks. Well, we ended up drinking way too many shots, because they tasted so good. But at least we had an awesome night! My back is extremely sore, from sleeping in a one-person bed with best friend, though. Oh well, I guess I'll dance the pain away, tonight! I'm going to CC with my girls from Camp Unicorn, can't wait. ♥ We're addicted to Club Cristopher!

Roskilde Festival 2010. Such good times. : D

I'm starting therapy on tuesday, meeting my therapist for the first time. God, I hope she's the right therapist for me. I really need to spill my heart, and start working on getting better. I'm sick of being stuck in the past, with all the thoughts of how things could've turned out if she still wanted me. I'm sick of getting myself down, time after time. No more, I say!

Mission Impossible!

Right, so... Jeg er godt igang med, at finde resten af mit Kat Von D kostume, and it's going well, so far! Today, I bought a wig. £14/130DKK. Seems I have too much money. :'D Also, I bought a jacket, yesterday! Woo. Here they are;

Now I just have to decide wether I'm gonna wear a (fake!) leather skirt, jeggings or shorts. So many choices to make!

Halloween, here we come!

Nu er der ret lang tid til halloween, men jeg er allerede gået igang med, at finde mit outfit. Camilla holder fødselsdagsfest, hvor vi skal klæde os ud som en kendt hollywood star. Derfor klæder jeg mig ud som Kat Von D! Det bliver interessant, eftersom jeg overhovedet ikke har hendes krop, awesomeness eller flotte udseende. Så hvis nogen sælger 40 liter hotness, er jeg interesseret! Jeg har dog købt dette korset i dag;

Nederdelen følger med, men det sidder ikke sammen med korsettet. I must say, I never thought I'd see the day that I'd buy a corset! I'm gonna feel so weird, wearing it. :'D

Udover det, skal jeg have fundet en underdel, og finde ud af, hvordan jeg skal efterligne hendes tatoveringer. Enten bliver det med noget hennafarve, eller med en god sprittusch. I believe it's gonna be awesome. : D

Til jer som ikke kender Kat Von D, first of all; shame on you!
Hun er kendt fra LA Ink, hvor hun viser sit store talent. Here she is!

My biggest dream is, to get a tattoo by Kat. That'd be awesome.

You're only what you give back

My mind is at peace, and at the same time, I feel like I might explode. I'm letting you go and moving onto better and healthier things, like you said I should. I'm not doing it for you, like I thought I would. I'm not doing it to make us work again, that ship has sailed. I still cry at the thought of you, and the memories still stain my mind and heart. If I could, I think I'd erase a lot of the thoughts I have about you. They still have an effect on me, even though all I want to do is run from it all. That doesn't mean I want to forget you, I never will. You had a great impact on my life, both good and bad. I believe I'll learn from it, in some way. I'm starting therapy next week, and that's partly because of you, but mostly because I finally got my act together, and found the energy to do something about it. I deserve a highfive, ha.

Then there's this sweet girl, who suddenly decided to walk into my life, when I least expected it. she brings me happiness, in the purest way, and she makes me smile, even though I still don't feel like I truly deserve it. I believe we have a positive effect on each other, and that's all that matters. People can say whatever they want, I don't care. I want to tell her how sweet and caring she is, how much she deserves love and happiness in her life. I'll do my best to make her believe that, while I work on getting myself to realize, that I deserve the same things, just as much as anyone else.

My mind is exploding with thoughts and words, and I can't wait to spill a part of my heart, next tuesday, when I'm starting therapy. I'm nervous, yet hopeful. Things have finally taken a turn for the better. I think.

Circa Survive er esktremt undervurderede. ♥

You could be happy

Maybe we can help each other let go of the past, and move on to a brighter future. I think we could. We could be healthy for each other. Maybe two broken hearts could heal when they're put together. We both know we don't deserve more sadness, I enjoy your company, and I'm looking forward to seeing you again. You're a great girl, and I'll always be here to show you and remind you of that.

I dag fik jeg svar fra de to terapeuter, jeg skrev til i går. Jeg har svaret den ene af dem, da hun tiltaler mig mest. Nu glæder jeg mig bare til, at bestille en tid og se om hun er den rigtig terapeut for mig. Det var et stort skridt at tage og jeg er glad for, at jeg endelig tog det. Welcome back, smile. Please stay, this time.

Changes

As best friend so nicely put it, I'm totally burying myself in music, at the time.
It's my new kind of therapy, I just can't feel if it's helping or making it worse.
Time will tell.

There are so many songs that fit my situation perfectly, atm. This one is on the verge of being my favourite;

- If only she weren't singing about a guy. Haha. ♥

Hello new shoes, bye bye blues

Don't block, bad idea.

Jeg burde slette alt jeg har skrevet, på det sidste. Nej, ikke alt. Men meget af det. Det har jeg dog ikke tænkt mig at gøre, for jeg tror på, at det er sundt for mig, at kunne se tilbage på det, once I'm okay again.

Til gengæld hjalp Maria mig rigtig meget, her til aften. Sødebløde. Hun gav mig det spark, jeg har brug for. Nu har jeg skrevet til to terapeuter og venter spændt på svar. One small step for mankind, a huge step for me. ^^

Tegan and Sara. Dem har jeg savnet. ♥

Jeg hader, at du stadig har kontrol over mig, efter så mange dage. You still remain, where I wish you didn't. Du er fri, jeg er fanget. Jeg kan ikke huske hvornår jeg sidst var herre over mine handlinger og følelser. Stop haunting me. )': "I had a pocket full of dreams, but I gave them all to you. Now I think I want them back, so can you tell me if I'm crazy or confused?"

Gå væk. Tænk på positive ting, tænk på Joy, tænk på hvor godt du havde det tidligere. Don't feed the pain.

I need to believe
But I still want more
With the cuts and the bruises
Don't close the door
On what you adore

Faith, it drives me away
But it turns me on
Like a strangers love
It rockets through the universe
It fuels the lies, it feeds the curse
We, too, could be glorious.

Colourless colour

I’ll start this broken heart
I’ll fix it up so it will work again
Better than before
Then I’ll star in a mystery
A tragic tale of all that’s yet to come
With fingers crossed there will be love

But I get carried away
With every phrase and made up malady
The longer I hide behind these lies,
The more I disintegrate
There's so much to say
But no words to convey
The loneliness building with each passing day
You never get used to it
You just have to live with it.

Pure awesomeness

This weekend did not turn out the way I expected it to. That's not a bad thing, though!
Jeg endte med at tage toget til Stenløse, fredag eftermiddag, for Josefine (Joy) havde huset for sig selv, så vi drak en helvedes masse øl, hørte festmusik, grinte og whinede. Det var slet ikke akavet, og det havde jeg egentlig regnet med, at det ville være. We just clicked, from the start. ^^,

Lørdag skulle jeg til bryllup, min fætter Lasse skulle giftes med hans kone Nadia. Brylluppet var enormt flot, og maden var god. Det var baren nu også! Whiskey, cola, isbjørn og mojito. Wonderland. : D Efter brylluppet bestemte jeg mig for, at tage hjem til Joy igen. Vi havde det næsten sjovere end dagen inden, med Chatroulette, tyske dudes, og andet gøjl. Vi kom først i seng 7:30, og stod alt for tidligt op. Joy havde lavet morgenmad, den søde pige. Så så vi noget L word, til hendes forældre kom hjem. Derefter fulgte Joy mig til stationen, og vi sagde farvel.

Nu sidder jeg herhjemme, once again, og har egentlig mest af alt lyst til, at tage tilbage til fredag, og drikke. Jeg frygter lidt, at jeg er ved at blive dranker. Haha! Joy har lige skrevet, at hendes hovedpude er blevet rød, pga. min hårfarve. Sorry, girl. :'D Anyways, vi tog nogle smukke billeder, and I'll share two of them with you! Lucky bastards.

Joy gav mig også hendes armbånd, som hun har haft siden hun var helt lille. How cute is that? Hun fik også et af mine sorte. It's nothing special, but still sweet. : D

Strike a pose

I dag modtog jeg mine militærstøvler. I think I'm in love! Derfor besluttede jeg mig for, at det var på tide, at jeg gik ud i haven og legede poser. Nu har jeg brugt 2 timer på, at redigere billederne, jeg tog en del. Her er en smagsprøve;