A series of amazing events

I dette øjeblik, kan jeg simpelthen ikke finde en sang, som beskriver mit nuværende humør. Jeg er fyldt med blandede følelser, og det gør mig både underligt tilpas, samtidig med hyperaktiv. I feel like pouring my heart out. Istedet, vil jeg dele tre billeder af min Kat Von D udklædning, som jeg havde på i lørdags, til Camillas Hollywoodfest. Jeg er ikke helt tilfreds med det færdige resultat, men det var desværre alt, jeg havde råd og tid til.

Resten af weekenden har jeg brugt på, at benægte at det snart er jul, hvilket i sidste ende fejlede, da jeg blev en smule fanget af julestemningen. Søndag trodsede jeg kulden og sneen for, at tage til Haslev, hen til Janne. Jeg havde egentlig planlagt, at jeg skulle hjem om aftenen, så jeg havde en jordisk chance for, at komme i skole om mandagen. Det valgte sneen at sætte en stopper for, så jeg besluttede mig for, at overnatte. Faktisk klager jeg slet ikke, det var et meget bedre alternativ. Da det så blev mandag, og vi havde brugt det meste af natten på, at drikke os lidt i hegnet og holde gyserfilmsmarathon, var der "desværre" heller ingen mulighed for, at Janne kunne komme i skole, så vi bagte vanillekranse, imens Janne ivrigt prøvede at fodre mit ikke-eksisterende julehumør. Jeg må dog indrømme, at der efter 12 timer med nissehue på, og en del julemusik, var en form for julehumør på vej. Hvem ved, måske sprudler det i vilden sky, i morgen, d. 1. december! Vi var også en tur i skoven, hvilket var hårdere end jeg havde troet, med så store bunker sne på vejene. Alt i alt, en succesfuld, forlænget weekend, som jeg har nydt enormt meget. Mit humør kom i hvert fald højt op, hvilket jeg kan takke Janne for, og hendes positive effekt på mig. Jeg er glad for, at jeg nu kan kalde hende min kæreste. Samtidig føles det stadig helt urealistisk, at bruge det ord. Kæreste. It feels good, og rigtigt. ^^,

Nu er de blandede følelser, der tidligere fyldte mig, efterhånden blevet erstattet af glæde og julestemning. Afleveringer og forhøjet fravær kan ikke få mit humør ned, og det nyder jeg. Jeg ser frem til en god weekend, i selskab af min kæreste - *smiles* - og en masse andre søde piger. More happiness, coming my way!

Jeg har forresten taget den store beslutning, at gå tilbage til dansk blogging. Der er alligevel ingen udenlandske folk, der får noget interessant ud af min blog, så jeg kan ikke længere se grunden til at blogge på engelsk. Jeg klarer mig alligevel bedre med danlish, på den måde får jeg både fodret mit modersprog og min kærlighed til engelsk.

A moment of clarity

For everything that could have been
At least we took the ride
There's no relief in bitterness
Might as well let it die.

Jeg har bestemt mig for, at lørdag nat bliver den sidste smule closure, jeg havde brug for. Jeg er ked af, at vores samtale endte, som den gjorde, men jeg har ikke lyst til at fortryde noget, længere. Sket er sket, og istedet for, at bruge min tid på at leve i fortiden, vil jeg se fremad og glæde mig over min nuværende følelse af ekstase. I hope you have better luck with forgetting me now. I wish you the best.

Blogpost of awesome!

I'm officially loving this friday! Well, thursday, really. Janne came over to my place, she bought us Sunset, we went home to me, watched a movie, and had a good time. And just when I though the day couldn't get any better, she gave me the present she's been talking about for a few days, since I couldn't wait any longer. To my surprise, it was a ticket to the Pendulum concert in December! Best present, ever. ^^, I didn't get to see Pendulum at this years Roskilde Festival, which I've been quite down about, ever since. Well, all is well, now! Can't say how ecstatic I am, to finally get to see them, and even better, I get to go with her. December 21st is going to be a great day!

Miss Von D, under construction!

Right, so.. Time has gone by extremely fast, and already, the Hollywood party is getting close. It's already this Saturday, and I'm stressing out about my costume. I bought a corset, but I discovered what a stupid idea that was, after trying it on a few times, and realizing I could hardly breathe, let alone drink in it. And I'm planning on getting a bit shitfaced, so I've had to find another outfit. So far I've been through my whole closet, turned it upside down, and this is what I came up with;

The quality is a bit crappy, but all in all, it's a see-through top, and a vest to cover up most of my body,

so I won't look like a complete... Well, self-confident Kat. It's not as see-through as it is on the picture!

It doesn't look much like Kat yet, I know that. But keep in mind, the make up and tattoos are missing. They're pretty much the two most important things. Camilla is doing my makeup, 'cause of her awesome skills, which I lack. For the tattoos, I'm a bit screwed. I'm planning on making them - as in, drawing them - onto a pair of see-through leggings, but it'll take me ages, and of course they won't look all that great. But that's probably all I have time and money for.
We'll see how it works out!

Poems of the crappy kind

My mind is a wondrous place

I get lost sometimes

And it's hard to find my way back

Back to reality

Back on track

But I'm fighting myself

Every day

To become a better me

For me and someone else.

I always get the urge to let you in, whenever you're not around. Feels like I'm fighting an endless war inside of myself, and whenever I get to the turning point, where I have a chance of facing my fears, I flee and hide behind the walls I've spent so many years building. Stupid girl.

How to end a vicious cycle?

Guess what? More emotional and self-loathing crap, coming your way! Hurray. This is all for myself, peeps. Time for some self therapy, since it's the only kind of therapy I can afford, at the time. Ha.

Seems like my head is one big mess, these days. I'm getting pretty tired of living in my own, sad, little bubble, scared to open myself up the the world and to someone who deserves it.

Get over yourself, Laura. I'm so sick of always falling back into my old patterns of keeping people at a distance, afraid to let anyone get too close to me. Especially when I really wanna let her in, and show her that she's special to me. I can't stand the thought of myself getting in the way of something I want, once again. I've tried it too many times, and I need to change, this time. I need to become a better Me, a Me who doesn't hate herself to pieces, a Me that isn't emotionally handicapped. How can that be so god damn hard? Insecurity is so last year, why didn't I get the memo?

Also, I don't think it's helping at all, that I'm back at square one with reading my ex girlfriend's blog. I'm complete and totally over my depressing "take me back"-phase - well, over her, all in all - but it seems I still care about knowing how she's doing. I should probably find a solution for that, 'cause it's clearly not making anything better, and I really don't see the point in doing it.

Note to self; start making sense, from now on.

Fighting the cold weather with songs

The weather is shitty today. Well, again today. I sure haven't missed the danish winter, not even the snow is real. The fact that I had to ride my bike through the snow and rain today didn't make it better. Can't say this tiny bit of snow made me miss christmas any more. I don't know what's gotten into me, but at the time, I'm not looking forward to christmas. I'm hoping it'll pass when me and best friend start wearing our christmas hats to school. I think it's all this school and money mess that's gotten in the way of my christmas spirit. If that ever passes, I'll be sure to let you know!

Either way, I'm looking forward to this weekend. I actually had plans about staying in tonight, having my own, private movie and series marathon. "Sadly" Janne got in the way of that when she convinced me to go with her and Sacha to a LGBT get-together. Not really complaining, I don't mind the great company. ^^, Tomorrow we're going to celebrate Lili's birthday, freezing our asses off in an amusement park. Hopefully we'll have too much fun to notice the cold! Afterwards, at about midnight, we're joining best friend, Sabine and one of my classmates at CC, once again.
Should be a great night! *fingers crossed*

Since the cold weather is already doing its best to ruin my mood, I'm fighting it by finding warmth in songs that remind me of summer and spring. *trance*

The cold mornings are getting to me

I've been all over the place, the last few days, and I can't quite figure out why. It seems like my head is one big mess, these days, and it's making my whole body ache. I'm extremely tired all the time, which makes it hard to focus on anything at all.

I keep thinking back at my last relationship, right at the start, to figure out if all of these feelings of confusion and a sick need to let my guards up are normal. They probably are, considering how I always end up in my own little bubble. But I can't quite figure out if it's just the cold weather, long school-days and dark mornings that are just giving me a hard time, or if it's something different. I can't be sure. Maybe it's the fact that I've been listening to The Fray and Mae nonstop, the past few nights. Most of all, I should probably visit my therapist, but I've decided to wait until the start of next year, seeing as how I'm broke, and my parents are too. I'd feel too mean taking any more of their money. So, for now, I'll have to figure out my problems for myself, and try to work on them the best I can. Even though I've never done that, and always end up running from them instead. The problem is, that's not a possibility right now. I have to face them. And that scares the hell out of me. I don't feel like facing anything, and I don't feel like taking my life seriously right now. All I need is zero responsibility for myself, my life and my actions. And at the same time, what I mostly long for are boundaries, and strict plans about how the hell I'm gonna control my life and myself.

I took a few pictures last night, just fooling around with some whiskey and a pen. My self esteem has taking a toll for the worse, so I'm in no condition to judge them. All I see are imperfections, and my inner perfectionist is going crazy. And yes, I know they're "risky" or what you'd call them, but that was what I was in the mood for.

Soundtrack to my sunday night

Oh, what a sunday. Feels like my mind is already feeling the monday that's coming up. Well, technically it >is< monday already, considering it's past midnight. I don't feel ready for school and responsibility yet. More than anything, I don't feel like sleeping alone, after getting used to having Janne by my side. All this everyday life isn't all that appealing, after so many great weekends. If only I could live in a world filled with Fridays and Saturdays, I'd be happy. Wishful thinking won't get me anywhere, I think I'll go to sleep now, and dream about this week going faster than ever, and look forward to another weekend with Lili's birthday and more awesome company, coming up. Well, first of all, I'm looking forward to this wednesday night, when me and best friend are going to the "pre" premiere of Harry Potter. It's gonna be amazing!
Night, everyone.

My bloody Friday

Can't remember when I've last spent a saturday at home. It's probably not a bad thing to detoxicate my body, every once in a while.

My bigsis is the luckiest girl right now, she's at the Paramore concert in London, at the O2 Arena. Should've gone with her, but I couldn't possibly afford it, sadly. Wish I was standing right next to her right now, listening to Hayley's awesome voice and beautiful face!

I went to my school's Halloween party last night, dressed as a vampire. It was awesome! Seriously scared about how much I love my fangs. I'll probably end up wearing them to school, like one of those vampire-freaks who are so obsessed that they dress like a vampire. Wait, I already am! Haha.
After the Halloween party, me and best friend joined Janne and Sabine at this gaybar called Vela, for some beer. I was already pretty drunk, so I made the wise choice not to drink too much, and I actually remember the whole evening, which is new! Ha. Janne slept at my place, which sort of saved me from doing something stupid, seeing as how I ended up extremely moody, at the end of the night. Don't know why, really. I guess my head's sort of a mess, at the time. And my money problems are getting the best of me. Wish they wouldn't.

Me and best friend, all vamped up!

Already getting my Mike Posner groove on, warming up for the concert me and Katrine are going to in March. Looking forward to seeing him! I rarely like his kind of music, but he's actually quite awesome. His new album hasn't disappointed me, luckily!

Fangtastic!

Me and best friend decided we couldn't spend another Halloween party just dressing as zombies. So we went to a costume store today, after school and bought fangs and more theater blood! I'm loving the fangs, they're sort of awesome. Maybe I should consider getting them made permanently? Haha!

Now, all I need to find is a slutty outfit for my vampire. Something dark and scary! Shouldn't be too difficult, considering I rarely wear anything colourful. x) Anyway, I know it's not Halloween anymore, but my school is having a Halloween party this Friday. We're kinda slow, I guess.

Never again!

About two weeks ago, I had this great idea that me and Janne should watch Paranormal Activity. And so we did. We got a bit freaked out, and couldn't quite figure out which of the different endings we liked the most. But it didn't terrify me that much, and I sort of forgot it, in all my happiness and positivity. Well, after watching the first one, we then decided that we had to watch the second one in the cinema. And that's what we did, last night. Holy F, that movie is creepy! Mostly the little boy just freaks me out. I hate kids, it's mean, but I really do. They're always the creepiest in the movies, even when they're not trying to be! Also, I hated that you never really found out if the sweet, innocent dog was okay. Animals getting hurt in horror movies - that's something my heart just can't stand! So, all in all, I'm sort of thrilled that Janne decided to sleep at my place, 'cause if she hadn't, I wouldn't have slept at all. Well, we didn't sleep that much, basically just stayed up talking, meheh. But sleep's overrated anyway, when a sweet girl is lying next to you. ^^,

So, I've been in desperate need of some new music, lately. Haven't really gotten around to finding anything much, except the new Linkin Park album. It's amazing! I've seriously re-fallen in love with them. The beat to the first song is epic, and I listen to it almost every day when I walk home from school, feeling like I could rule the world. Ha! Also, I love their versatility, which they show perfectly in song number two. The lyrics are beautiful, too.

Monday, stay away!

I have that crappy feeling in my stomach that's telling me to slow my life down, and take some control. The thing is, I'm already doing okay with finding the balance between partying and going to school. The downside is that I'm smoking more and more, and my wallet is suffering from that. I haven't checked my bank account for about 1 or 2 months, and I'm not planning on doing that for a long time. My parents just had to spend 10.000DKK on getting our car fixed, so I'm looking forward to a cheap-ass, poor christmas. Yeah, that sounds extremely shallow and selfish, but I sort of don't care, 'cause I'm mostly thinking about the fact that I'm not gonna be able to buy my friends and family the gifts they deserve. And that makes me angry. I'm sick of money always controlling my life. And that reminds me of something I randomly wrote, a few weeks back;

"People might think that money rules the world, but they're wrong. Words do. Words can have a far greater effect on things than a piece of paper. We should start paying each other in kind, loving words, instead of meaningless pieces of paper, with random presidents and kings and queens on them. The world would be a much brighter place, if we did."

- If only that was completely true. Money >does< rule the world, and it makes me sad and aggressive. I've never been able to spend my money on random stuff that makes me happy, without paying the consequences. I know I sound like a selfish brat right now, but it's hard sometimes, to charish the things I have, when people around me are throwing their money around and not having to worry about not being able to survive the next month. All I really want is a cute little apartment in Copenhagen, for my friends and a sweet girl to enjoy. And that's not gonna become a reality the next couple of years.

Wow. That's enough whining from me, I guess.

I did, however, have a great weekend. Epic, really. Sweet people around me and happiness. Minimum responsibility, that's what I live for. I'd like a couple of thousand days more like this weekend. I'm not ready for another crappy monday, with school and responsibility. Come back, weekend. Come back parties, alcohol, kisses and laughter. I do love my life. I just have to remind myself of that, sometimes.

No memory, whatsoever!

Drunk times, last night. Actually, so drunk, I can't even remember 90% of the night. I'm thinking that's a good thing, 'cause best friend told me I puked outside of Masken, where we got free beer and an awesome hat! Too many shots, in too little time. But I'm not complaining! My hangover isn't that bad, and I'm gonna drown it in more alcohol, later. We're drinking Mojito's, at our CC warm up! Awesomeness.

I must've done something right, 'cause I woke op with a card in my bag, that gives me free access to Be Proud, tonight. Sadly, it only lasts for tonight, and I'm going to CC with a bunch of sweet girls. I'd choose that over Proud, any day!

J-dag!

This blogpost deserves to be in danish, considering I'm celebrating a danish tradition, tonight!

Endelig er J-dag ankommet! Mig og best friend regner med, at ramme Masken ved en 20-tiden, og vente på de andre skanks. Det gik lige op for mig, at jeg har tilbragt mine forrige to J-dage på fyn og i jylland. No more, I say! Kbh, for altid. ♥ Jeg glæder mig som en lille pige til, at se vognen og nissepigerne! Og jeg glæder mig rent faktisk også til, at finde ud af, om jeg kan lide juleøl i år. Jeg er efterhånden blevet ret glad for øl, så hvem ved? Måske de falder i min smag, i år.

Happy J-dag, everyone! Cheers.

No sleep, ever again.

This time in danish, since I don't have the patience to translate it, and my heart's pounding way too fast.
Jeg starter altid med at ligge i min seng, imens jeg prøver at falde i søvn - I drømmen. Så begynder jeg at sove, og drømmer - stadigvæk I drømmen! - og døser stille hen. Pludselig går det op for mig, at jeg er igang med at have et mareridt, men jeg er fanget i drømmen, og mine øjenlåg er for tunge til at åbne. Så jeg skriger febrilsk, og kan ikke gøre andet end, at vente på denne nats rædsler. I det var det voldtægt, og min familie som ikke stolede på mig, eller ville hjælpe mig.

Jeg sad i en bus, der var utallige creepy guys, overalt, som ville have mig til at sidde ved siden af dem. Så fandt jeg en dame, jeg satte mig lettet ned ved siden af. Hun smilede og vi talte lidt.. så kørte bussen igennem en kæmpe tågesky, hvor jeg intet kunne se, og da den var ovre, var der en mand som begyndte at tage på mig, og jeg bad om hjælp fra damen, men hun var ligeglad. Han tog mig på brysterne, og de andre holdt mig fast.. and so on. *gåsehud*
Derefter vågnede jeg af mine egne skrig, altså, fra drømmen >inden i drømmen<, da min mor hørte mig og kom ind på mit værelse. Jeg kunne ikke tale, fordi jeg græd så meget, og hun forstod intet. Så hun mente at jeg overreagerede, og ignorerede det. Sådan gik det med hele min familie.
Så skiftede det hele scene, og jeg skulle spise aftensmad med mine søde piger, inklusive Janne. vi dækkede bord, og da jeg gik rundt om bordet, for at nusse Janne på armen, for at vise en form for kærtegn, rykkede hun sig væk. Sådan fortsatte det i et pænt stykke tid, til jeg blev emo og opgav. Så holdte vi vidst fest, og alle andre hyggede og morede sig, men jeg tænkte stadig på mit afslag, og på mit mareridt, og fik den kolde skulder af alle.
That's all I remember. And then I woke up, this time to THE REAL LIFE, and forgot how to breathe normally. *sigh* This is why I don't sleep. These nightmares have been going on for quite a few days now, and every morning I forget about them, after fainting into sleep, at about 3 or 4 am. Grrreat. Welcome, insomnia and fear of closing my eyes again.
Clearly, I can't sleep alone, anymore. Counting on Mae to help me relax, again.

Ups and downs go hand in hand

Today I spent about 800DKK on my ticket home from Haslev, thanks to the shitty train lady, who gave my a penalty fee for not paying the right amount of money for my ticket. How could >I< know that I should've paid more? I feel completely screwed over, like always, by DSB. Retards, every single one of them. Well, me and my mom've already sent them a complaint letter, so I'll just cross my fingers and hope that they'll cancel and forget about it all. Ha! Not the way I was expecting my trip to Haslev to end, after being so happy and high on her company.

I love coming home from Haslev, to find my bed's been invaded by muddy footprints, left by my beloved dog. Thanks, Frostie! Just what I needed.

Kinda strange to run into your ex girlfriend's ex girlfriend, when she was probably one of the people you'd least expect to run into. Not complaining, though! She's sweet, and we catched up and drank some more beer. I've already met Anna and Ann in Haslev.. What's up with that? Had completely forgotten that they lived in Haslev! Nicely done, Laura. Haha. Guess Janne isn't the only awesome person in that little town!

Still, no worries! I'm gonna go back to my pink, floating cloud now, and get back to thinking happy thoughts.

Got you anyway
I'm gonna say that I've been taken over
No, let's go again
You tell me when
And I'll be taking over.

Snap out of it, grrrl

My mother always tells me that intelligent people have the ability to feel a higher state of happiness. Sadly, that also means they feel a deeper state of sadness, when it hits them. I'm not saying I feel intelligent, 'cause I really don't, but my moodswings tell otherwise. On any other day, I'd be able to look at this from a positive angle, and remember how happy I can be when I am, but right now this monday's gotten the best of me. For now, at least. Tomorrow's a new day, and I'm looking forward to waiting in line for me and best friend's tickets to the world premiere of H.P. We've been waiting for this day for a long time! And I'm hoping to see that sweet girl, too. That'll lighten up my mood, better than anything else.

"Never played truth or dare.
I'd have to check my mirror to see if I'm still here."
- Ahh. Time for some more Billy Talent.

Aggression, out of nowhere

This day started out stressful and crappy, I woke up late and had to ride my bike to best friend's place, where we were gonna take the bus to our school. Well, we changed our plans, after spending way too much time eating our own weight in food and soda. Instead of school, we went shopping at the mall, to cure our sickness. I always end up spending way too much money when we go shopping, but today I really needed to buy some happiness in the shape of movies, cd's and clothes. So, I ended up buying The Kooks - Konk, two shirts, Fight Club, Fucking Åmål, Death Proof and Milk. Yay.

Now I'm just sitting in my bed, listening to some of my old, angry music, 'cause that's what I'm in the mood for. I seriously don't know what happened to my mood, must be the lack of a social life and humour. Oh well, at least I can get some of my aggression out by listening to Thrice, Blindside, Three Days Grace, Silverstein, KoRn, you name it. Now I kind of understand why I was such a downer back then, listening to this music. Ha.

I feel like doing something stupid. Luckily I think I learned from my mistakes, for once, so I'm gonna stop myself from doing something irrational. No more, I say. Let's stick to the music, for now.

Ramble should be my middle name

I feel like doing everything and nothing with you.
The greatest part about that, is that I know it doesn't feel awkward to do "nothing" with you. I'm comfortable enough around you to just lie and talk for hours, and that rarely happens to me. I appreciate your company a whole lot. Now, all I need to do is come out of my shell and remind myself to take action, whenever I feel the urge, and kiss you. There were quite a few times last night, where I felt like holding your hand or just be close to you, but I couldn't get myself to act on it, because I was so scared you'd think I was too clingy or cheesy, or that the people around us would tease us and call us boring. But I'll never find out, unless I give it a go. Fear won't lead me anywhere. Sure, I'm getting better day by day, but it wouldn't hurt me to speed up the process a little. All I know is that you're really growing on me, and I'm enjoying it.

I've listened to a lot of A Fine Frenzy, tonight. Just switched to Tegan and Sara. Great music really does cure a hangover! Not as much as great company, though. Oh well, I think I'll go back to my trance, now.