Thoughts of the night

Noget jeg ikke forstår, er hvorfor kærlighed plejede at være nok for mig, til at glemme mine problemer og depressive tanker. Når jeg tænker tilbage, var jeg gladere, førhen, i tidligere forhold. Om det var fordi, jeg havde begravet mine problemer, og de endnu ikke havde eksploderet i mit ansigt, ved jeg ikke. Men jeg forstår ikke, hvorfor kærlighed ikke længere er "nok" for mig, for at føle glæde, igen. Den bedste forklaring jeg kan finde, er at jeg ikke længere vil bruge kærlighed som min virkelighedsflugt. At jeg ikke længere kan begrave mine problemer, og leve i en illusion. Min indre realist er blevet stærkere, med tiden. Og det er egentlig ikke en dårlig ting, når jeg tænker over det. For mig, er det en positiv ting. For det betyder bare, at hvad vi to har, er mere ægte, fordi jeg ikke bruger det som en virkelighedsflugt. At det så betyder, at mine nedture til tider kan få det det til at virke som om, du ikke er nok for mig, er jeg virkelig ked af. Jeg håber aldrig, du føler, du ikke er nok for mig, blot fordi, du ikke altid kan trøste mig. Det er problemet ved depression. Nogen gange kan selv den mest betydningsfulde person ikke få smerten til at gå væk. Men du formår at gøre mig glad, når min depression ikke er for stærk til, at mit virkelige jeg kan skinne igennem. Og det betyder meget for mig. You do make me happy. Never doubt that.

What divides, yet defines me

I know I told you that a part of me can't accept your love for me, because I truly don't believe that anyone can love me. Part of me refuses to accept your love. Still, that doesn't mean I don't believe in us. I do. But that's the hardest part. Believing in something so much, but in some way wishing I didn't, because it makes it impossible for me to slip away and escape this world. It splits me in two pieces, believing in us. But the one part, the part that wants to try and fight this, to stay here, to be with you.. That's the part I wouldn't trade for anything.

Kender I det...

... Når man ikke har mentalt overskud til at blogge, selvom ordene er der? Well, sådan har jeg det for tiden, så istedet vil jeg blogge musik. Marilyn Manson er awesome, og sangen er selvfølgelig ikke ny, men stadig ligeså god, som dengang den udkom. Han bliver altid dømt på sit udseende, og folk tror, han er sindssyg. Men efter at have set en del interviews med ham, og andre ting, er jeg kommet frem til, at jeg godt kan lide ham. Han er rent faktisk intelligent, and that's more than enough to earn my respect!

But I'm not a slave to a god
that doesn't exist
But I'm not a slave to a world
that doesn't give a shit

Highs and lows

Life is built up by highs and lows. Some people are lucky enough to go through life, experiencing only the small lows, while the highs just keep coming. Sadly, not everyone is that lucky. There are people in the world, experiencing all kinds of great sadness. Some people are starving, have lost their parents, their home, the most basic things, that a lot of us take for granted. These are the people we like to remind ourselves about, when we're feeling bad about not having enough money to buy a new car, or that beautiful dress we've wanted for so long. The thing is, there are also a lot of other kinds of lows, that don't get the same attention. A lot of other ways to hurt, that most people don't take as serious. One of them is depression. People with a depression are going through a whole different kind of struggle, fighting to stay in control of their life and their mind. Depression is a disease that should be taken more seriously, and I don't understand why it isn't. Depression can break a person, turn their whole world against them. Make them feel so useless and hopeless that even getting out of bed seems impossible. Depression has nothing to do with weakness. It's not something people choose to have, not something they'd put upon themselves to get other people to feel bad for them. It's not a choice. Just like hunger isn't a choice. And because most of the world doesn't take depression seriously, people with depression tend to do the same. This can be dangerous. I started out like this, not taking my depression seriously. What it ended up causing, was a lot of self harm. Because other people didn't see it as anything serious, I just thought of myself as weak and a coward, not being able to go through one single day without my constant lows. I started beating myself up over every single thing I did wrong. Now that I've started taking it seriously, I see how much harm it's done to me, back when I didn't. I'm not writing this to make people feel bad for me. I'm writing this as a reminder to anyone out there going through the same or similar thing as me. Never underestimate the power a depression can have. Even when other people tell you it's not serious, take it serious. If you don't, you'll never get through it. If you don't start taking yourself serious, it's not possible to fight it. Depression is a disease. Treat is as one.

/End of ramble.

Currently dwelling to;

I'm a mountain that has been moved
I'm a river that is all dried up
I'm an ocean nothing floats on
I'm a sky that nothing wants to fly in
I'm a sun that doesn't burn hot
I'm a moon that never shows its face
I'm a mouth that doesn't smile
I'm a word that no one ever wants to say.

Oh, I love you, Brand New.

Words of love.

To me, the best part of a relationship is when I realize how comfortable I am with and around my girlfriend. Comfortable enough to be myself completely, and more importantly, let my guards down to her. It's not the beginning of the relationship, where everything is new and "exciting" that thrills me the most. It's when I feel like she's beginning to know the real me, and still hasn't fled from me. When I find myself thinking of little ways to put a smile on her gorgeous face, because that smile brings me so much happiness. When I like myself better when I'm around her. Those are the parts I cherish the most. 
So, thanks for sticking with me, through thick and thin, babe. <3

"You've got blood on your hands"

Mumford & Sons er blevet et af mine all-time favorit bands på meget kort tid. 
That takes talent. I love these guys.

Birthday, 1. maj and work!

I lørdags fyldte jeg 19 år. Hvis folk spurgte mig hvor gammel jeg er, ville jeg nok stadig svare 18, af vane. Det føles underligt at være 19, selvom der ikke er den store forskel, bortset fra at være et år tættere på 20. Jeg har i hvert fald ikke tænkt mig at opføre mig mere voksent end jeg allerede gør. Arbejde giver i hvert fald følelsen af ansvar et boost!

Hvis det skulle have nogen interesse, vil jeg lige nævne hvilke gaver jeg fik;
- To objektiver til mit spejlrefleks - Wide angle og fisheye (også makro, kombineret)
- Gavekort til H&M på 400,-
- DVD'er - Quentin Tarantino og Tim Burton film (thanks, best friend!)
- En nummerplade (Jeg har en fetisch, og eftersom best friend's far er mekaniker, skaffede hun mig én!)
- Sko og trøje fra Wasteland (thanks siz!)
- Koncertbillet til Yellowcard, d. 26. august (you rock my world, girlfriend!)
- Undertøj
- Elizabeth Arden parfume
- Biograf-billetter (go svigerforældre!)
- 600,-

Og et billede af dem, for at gøre det endnu mere interessant! (feel the sarcasm.)

Jeg fik også lige leget en smule med mit fisheye, for at afprøve det!
(Ja, mit værelse roder, and I'm proud of it! Haha.)

Allesammen fantastiske gaver, som jeg er enormt glad for. Jeg Glæder mig allerede til at tage dem alle i brug!

1. maj blev lidt ødelagt, grundet det dårlige vejr, men girlfriend og jeg nåede trods alt at være i Fælledparken i et par timer, inden regnen tog over. Jeg nåede at sige hej til Joy og Linette, hvorefter Julle joinede os senere, og tog med os på Masken, hvor vi fortsatte med at drikke os i hegnet. All in all, a great day!

I dag har jeg arbejdet i Frederiksberg centrets H&M fra 15 til 19:30. Jeg har sagt ja til endnu en vagt i morgen, fra 10 til 16. Jeg er ved at være en del træt i hovedet, med søvnunderskud og lange køer hele dagen, men jeg har brug for pengene, da jeg skal have sparet godt 6000,- op til min USA-tur til sommer, med girlfriend og hendes forældre. Jeg glæder mig som en sindssyg, så det er al stressen og arbejdet værd! Vi skal til Minnesota, og min pigede, feminine side kan slet ikke vente med at gå amok i Mall of America, og bruge en mindre formue. USA, here we come!

All in all, går det godt, for tiden. Jeg har stadig et par op og nedture, men jeg kan mærke, at de ikke er så heftige som de har været, og jeg har en smule mere overskud. Jeg ved dog ikke om det er mine piller der er skyld i det, eller om det er de fantastiske mennesker, jeg omringer mig af. Either way, I'm thankful!